In My Own Little World...

I can’t even move today…

Not because of anything physical, my brain just won’t let me. It’s feeling quite sluggish. I have so much shit going on in my head, that it tired itself out. On top of that, the day is moving in slow motion. Le sigh……..

I have no mental strength to do ANYTHING today. I have intentions BEYOND intentions, but my brain won’t let me move. I even sat outside on my nice and sunny front porch this morning, hoping the warmth and beauty of the day would spark something. NOPE. It just made me hot and sweaty, and all I was doing was sitting still. Not a good motivator. I suppose I could do laundry or use my elliptical, go outside with the boy, but… I. JUST. CAN’T. MOVE.

SERIOUSLY….. WTF???

My brain is completely overwhelmed. And when I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I get to where I start to feel like I don’t give a fuck about anything, that I just want to be left alone. I find problems with everything (purposely?) so I don’t have to do stuff. Such as: I wanna lay out in the sun, BUT… No one (myself included) wants to see my big fat ass in a pair of shorts (or less than that). Or… I wanna get on my elliptical, BUT… I’ll have to do the laundry on the floor near it (otherwise I’d have to step on it). Or, even this one… I’m hungry, BUT… I don’t want dishes to clean. Now THAT’S some sad shit. I mean seriously, that’s fucked up! 

Speaking of exercise… That’s a whole other issue. I can’t blame laundry on not working out. I’ve revamped my diet and am pretty much a vegetarian. I skate my ass off on Sunday’s and I bee bop around the house doing stuff to burn calories, but are there any results? Hell no. Why? My guess is the stupid meds that I take. You know, the ones with that wonderful side effect of ‘weight gain’? I’ve lost 7lbs in about 2 mos. On this diet. With busting my ass, skating. And I only consume 1200-1300 calories per day. And not junk food, either. No pop or crap like that. I drink water (I’ll add Mio to it, cuz regular water is crap tasting, to me) and have been eating healthier foods since December. I read labels, now. I actually give a shit about what I consume. 7 freakin pounds? How fucking discouraging. I even tried dropping my calorie consumption down to 1000 per day. I lost about a half pound, but that’s because I threw myself into starvation mode. No matter what, that’s not healthy. So… I’m totally bummed out over it. I see my doctor this weekend, and I’m going to mention it to him. I’m heavy enough and I don’t want to add to it. As it is, I had to revamp my diet FOR the medication (because if I eat certain foods, it could cause a spike in blood pressure, and we all know that’s not good). What will he say? I can already hear it… ‘Do you want to feel better or not?’  And of course, my answer will be this… ‘Of course, I want to feel better. And by gaining weight, I won’t. So what’s the point of the meds? I feel worse if I become heavier. Meds are not going to help my overall being if I feel horrible about my outward appearance.’ I wonder what he’ll say to that. He’ll probably up the meds and tell me to see him again in another month for a follow up. PFFFFT….

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not gargantuan. I’m about 5’8” and weigh 210 lbs. To me, I look like the Stay Puff dude, but really I don’t look like that. No one believes me when I divulge my weight, they think it’s less. Plus, I’m Fresh Meat in Roller Derby, so being a bigger girl is a benefit. I know I need to lose some weight, and I’m not out to be Twiggy. I’d be ecstatic to be able to lose 20 lbs. (OF FAT) even if it meant gaining muscle, which I definitely need to do FOR derby. But damn… How can I lose, if the meds make me gain? Is my body trying to lose, but the meds negate it? It’s just all BS. 

But really, who really cares, right? Someone will always have something to say about what I do or don’t do. I’ve come to the realization that everyone thinks that their solutions effect others the same way it effects them. People always think their way is the right and only way….

Example:

‘Did you try this?’

-Yes, I’ve tried it. And not once, but 17x. And 17 other things, 17x each.

‘Well, you aren’t trying hard enough or you aren’t doing it right.’

-Thank you for making me feel even better about myself. For telling me that the 17x times I tried to better myself, I’ve failed. As if I didn’t already feel that way, thanks for pointing it out. By the way, are you in my body? No. So, thank you for the advice, but really, don’t ridicule me any further. I can take care of that on my own. (I probably wouldn’t say that to someone, but trust me, that’s what I’d think. I’d simply just thank them and say I’d look into something else. That is, unless they kept running off at the jaws. Then I’d have to say something not so nice ^_*).

This is why I choose to just keep my mouth shut. People have no idea how stuff effects me. All I ask for is advice or suggestions, and I always get rudeness or criticism. Does anyone use tact anymore??? I know I do, but not if someone makes me feel like shit. I don’t ask for help UNLESS I’ve ALREADY exhausted every other option I can think of, or researched, or whatever. When I ask for help, it’s my last resort. I’VE ALREADY TRIED EVERYTHING ELSE. I’M NOT AN IDIOT. 

Unfortunately, due to many idiots out there in this world, that’s the stereotype placed upon people who ask for help. Not the fact that maybe they’re doing so because they’ve hit the proverbial brick wall, and are stuck. Which is usually my issue. Hitting that wall. And then, people don’t take me seriously! I can’t help that I’m always upbeat (around people) and joke and am a complete silly ass. It’s just who I am. And believe me, it’s taken me a very long time to realize that it’s ok to be this way. But when I’m being serious, be serious back. Just don’t be a douche about it.

Oh well, I guess. I’ll just take my overwhelmed brain back to the porch. Brainstorm some more. 

Thanks for listening………… *le sigh*

Ok… So here’s my dilemma…

My husband has a FANTASTIC job working at a local hospital. He makes more money now, than ever, which is great for us. He really enjoys what he does, but it’s not his ‘dream job’. He’s always wanted to be a cop. He’s already done some testing for the Michigan State Police. The physical portion of the test, he tried to do about a week after having gall bladder surgery (silly man) and of course was sent home. Gotta give him credit for trying, but the panel sent him home. He was given the next date, but something came up and he couldn’t make it to that one. So now, there’s more testing coming up soon. One of his friend’s (who really needs to STFU and mind his own damn business) keeps pushing him to test. My husband, for the most part, had ‘forgotten’ about this cop business since he started his current job. I mean, this job is PHENOMENAL for us, financially. I’ve always been the bread winner, but now, he’s blown right past me with this new job. With both our incomes, we are gonna get out of the rut we fell into last summer (when he lost his job) and come out squeaky clean. That was what I *thought* was gonna happen….

His friend came over last week. He works security at one of the casino’s in Detroit. Nowhere near that of a police officer, but because he has a degree in Criminal Justice, he thinks he knows it all. This is actually his first job EVER, and he *thinks* he knows what’s best for my husband and our family. DUDE. Get out of my fucking house and go ride your wannabe cop bus somewhere else. My husband has been through HELL this past year with losing his job, problems with unemployment, etc. He deserves this job, this pay. WE, our family, deserve this. But douche-bag-arino has put all that cop shit back into the hubs’ head.

FUCK.

So the hubs tells me yesterday, ‘I think I’m gonna do the rest of the testing and see what happens. The website says they’re gonna hire 400 troopers. It’s gonna be hard for them to find 400, with people’e criminal history’s.’ In other words, he’s pretty confident he’ll get hired. GREAT. 

I’m not happy about this ONE FREAKIN BIT. I have always supported my husband in everything. But, THIS? NO. My husband is the type that canNOT sit still. Working in a hospital, being on the go most of the time, is what he needs. He was a paramedic for YEARS, and absolutely LOVED it. It just pays like shit. You would think that profession would bring in more money, but it absolutely does not. Seriously? $12/hr? I don’t fucking think so. Since then, he’s made progressively more money per hour. If he were to get hired as a trooper, he’d drop down about $5+/hr. Umm, NO….

He’s only looking at it from the excitement aspect of being a cop. He’s not seeing the down side. And believe me, I *know* the down side. I work with 60 cops. Maybe… MAYBE, 1/3 of them are happy. Most of them are bored out of their freakin minds. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, ‘this is NOT what I signed up for.’ It’s not all action. You’re not always faced with a hardened criminal. There’s not always a weapon involved. There’s not always drugs on someone. You’re not always gonna be in a foot chase. Honestly, it’s quite boring. Those exciting runs are few and far between, unless you live in a big city. MSP assists all counties, cities, townships, villages, etc. within the state. He could end up having to post up north somewhere. Again I say, umm, no. There’s more paperwork (or at least computer work) to do than anything. Driving around all day (or night) in a cop car is no fun. Sitting behind a desk isn’t his forte either. He’d go completely berserk. I KNOW my husband. Plus, he’s 35. Which is far from old, but I think about it financially. He would have to work 25 years in order to retire, making him 60. And by then, there’s a very high chance that he’d be off the road and behind a desk. Plus, starting over at 35, having to wait 6 years to become fully vested into the organization, truly makes no sense to me. Plus, the pay cut. I just don’t like this idea.

What I wish he would look into is being a Reserve Officer somewhere. He could still work his full time hospital job, and still be an Officer on days off or weekends, at special events, etc. And earn even more money by doing that, by having both jobs. My husband would be bored as a full time cop. He’d realize that later on and would NEVER admit that I was right, and make me so freakin miserable I’d want to kill him. He’d want to kick himself for giving up his awesome hospital job. I KNOW MY HUSBAND. I think I know him better than he knows himself sometimes. Plus, I know A LOT of officers. The majority of them are total douche bags. Plus, there’s an awful lot of women out there that throw themselves at men in uniform. He does NOT need any distractions, temptations. Anyone who knows our history, understands this. He has no willpower. Bless him, but he HAS NO WILLPOWER. I DO NOT want him to do this. We’ve gone through enough over the past 2 years…….

So here’s the true dilemma…. I’ve told him I’d support him in whatever he chooses in life, regardless of what it is. I told him this long before this cop thing ever came up. But I honestly can’t support this. So what the FUCK do I do??? Not only would we have a smaller income, but he’d most likely not be posted anywhere near where we live. Which would most likely be temporary, but I’m not quitting my good paying job to follow something ‘temporary’. I’m NOT starting over in my profession. He’s just not seeing to entire picture. If he were to have to take a position on the other side of the state, or up north, he’d have to rent an apartment, pay utilities, etc. While I’d be here, with the kids, paying a mortgage and utilities, having zero help with the kids, basically being a single parent. And he’d get to be a shiny new officer, living the single life? HELL FUCK NO. Cake and eat it too??? NO WAY…

He really needs to rethink this bullshit. If this dream is more important than his wife’s sanity, then he can go ahead and do it. ALONE. Seriously…  I’ve wanted to quit my job a hundred times to work something with normal hours, for the kids sake. I was willing to take a pay cut for THAT. It’s damn difficult to work afternoon or midnight shift with children. DAMN DIFFICULT. I’ve done that shit for years. No daycare center is open during my midnight shift hours, nor my afternoon shift hours. BUT, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. My dream was not to be a 911 Dispatcher. It was simply to have a job where I could make a decent living and be able to raise and spend time with my kids without my job interfering. That’s not selfish in the least. I truly think my husband is only thinking about himself, here. That would’ve been fine if this were 10 years ago. We have a family now. We’ve been a family for almost 8 years.

Maybe I’m just overreacting. I have no idea. All I know is that if he were to become a trooper, everything would do a flip. Our now ‘comfort zone’ would be obliterated. I just don’t see how him taking a chance so big is worth it. It would probably take him 5 years to make as much money there, as he does right now. And I’m at top pay, so unless some wonderful act of high power occurs, I’m not gonna make any more than I do now (and last year, I even took a small pay cut, but not enough to really dent our income). So, I just don’t see how this makes sense. Go be a cop, make less money, have crazy shift hours, rarely see your family….. I’m just biased, I guess, being I’ve worked in law enforcement for almost 10 years. It’s just not all it’s cracked up to be……………………………….

::sigh::

I’m totally bummed out. Who wants to hear that shit? Nobody. Everything feels so sucky right now. Fuck.